At this time of transition in my life I am especially reflective. I tend to be cursed with the practice of reflection, overthinking, so kicking it up a notch (BAM! Emeril) during a time of transition makes me feel chaotic. How do reflection and chaos co-exist? When I think of reflection … I think of peace, quietness, a lovely Monet. When I think of chaos, I think of Kandinsky or Jackson Pollock, whose paintings illustrate what I’m feeling inside. How just how do these co-exist?
Today is Ash Wednesday, perhaps one of the most “reflective” days of the year for Christians around the world. A day for “giving up” things unhealthy or self-indulgent and renewing those already forgotten New Year’s resolutions … for at least the next forty days. Instead of giving up something tangible this year, I am choosing to give up some very intangible things. These things are perhaps more unhealthy and self-indulgent (ego) than the chocolate, caffeine or swearing that so many choose to forego this season. These things eat away at the soul, bring stress to the body and wreak havoc on our relationships. They certainly riddle my days with twinges of blackness and chaos and block me from the Light that I have known. They rob me of the peace, joy and love that every human heart yearns for.
I am choosing to give up the negative emotions of fear, doubt and insecurity. Due to the current circumstances in my life, these emotions and thought patterns are very heightened and consume a great deal of my energy. They are very much a part of who I am right now, and I can’t go on like this. I don’t like them, and I don’t like what they’re doing to me. So if I ban these rusty ships from my harbour, what will dock itself there instead? Who will I be if I’m not who I’ve been? I would like to believe that this chaos has just enveloped me in it’s dark cloak and the real me just needs to climb on out.
I am choosing to replace these emotions with those of confidence, conviction and peace-of-mind. I expect this Season of Lent (of my life) to be perhaps the most difficult but rewarding I’ve ever experienced. But how will I know if I am successful?
I have a few tools in my bag … some tangible … books, a journal, a simple rubberband … some semi-tangible … prayer, meditation … and the most powerful … the intangibles … committment, determination and HOPE.
There is a Light not at the end of this tunnel but right here for the taking. All I have to do shed these negative emotions and the Light will fill my soul. My prayer is that this exercise will sustain me over the next 40 some days and at the end will be a great reward. What perfect time – Lent – I don’t think I could survive this time any other way.
