An Intangible Lent February 17, 2010

At this time of transition in my life I am especially reflective. I tend to be cursed with the practice of reflection, overthinking, so kicking it up a notch (BAM! Emeril) during a time of transition makes me feel chaotic. How do reflection and chaos co-exist? When I think of reflection … I think of peace, quietness, a lovely Monet. When I think of chaos, I think of Kandinsky or Jackson Pollock, whose paintings illustrate what I’m feeling inside. How just how do these co-exist?

Today is Ash Wednesday, perhaps one of the most “reflective” days of the year for Christians around the world. A day for “giving up” things unhealthy or self-indulgent and renewing those already forgotten New Year’s resolutions … for at least the next forty days. Instead of giving up something tangible this year, I am choosing to give up some very intangible things. These things are perhaps more unhealthy and self-indulgent (ego) than the chocolate, caffeine or swearing that so many choose to forego this season. These things eat away at the soul, bring stress to the body and wreak havoc on our relationships. They certainly riddle my days with twinges of blackness and chaos and block me from the Light that I have known. They rob me of the peace, joy and love that every human heart yearns for.

I am choosing to give up the negative emotions of fear, doubt and insecurity. Due to the current circumstances in my life, these emotions and thought patterns are very heightened and consume a great deal of my energy. They are very much a part of who I am right now, and I can’t go on like this. I don’t like them, and I don’t like what they’re doing to me. So if I ban these rusty ships from my harbour, what will dock itself there instead? Who will I be if I’m not who I’ve been? I would like to believe that this chaos has just enveloped me in it’s dark cloak and the real me just needs to climb on out.

I am choosing to replace these emotions with those of confidence, conviction and peace-of-mind. I expect this Season of Lent (of my life) to be perhaps the most difficult but rewarding I’ve ever experienced. But how will I know if I am successful?

I have a few tools in my bag … some tangible … books, a journal, a simple rubberband … some semi-tangible … prayer, meditation … and the most powerful … the intangibles … committment, determination and HOPE.

There is a Light not at the end of this tunnel but right here for the taking. All I have to do shed these negative emotions and the Light will fill my soul. My prayer is that this exercise will sustain me over the next 40 some days and at the end will be a great reward. What perfect time – Lent – I don’t think I could survive this time any other way.

Just Call Me Pin Head January 8, 2010

I recently decided to seek out the care of an acupuncturist.  My MDs and alternative therapists suspect that I have a pretty naughty, chronic bladder condition…that is difficult to diagnose and pretty impossible to treat.  Since conventional medicine has nothing to offer me, I’ve sought alternative medicine. 

I have been seeing a nutrition therapist for about 3 months, chiropractor for about a month, been under the care of a massage therapist for nearly 5 years and am now doing acupuncture.   I am of the belief that the body will often times heal itself when it is taken care of properly.  As my nutritionist says, “Food is medicine.”   I have had a vast shift in my thinking in regards to my body over the last six months.  I quit smoking.  I stopped eating  junk food.  Why would I choose to put poison in my body?  The temple where my soul (and God) reside?  I was taking my life and my health for granted, and I pray that I am able to heal from this condition…that it is really a gift…to lead me to optimum health.

It’s tough. It takes a lot of hard work and self-will to eat “clean” and “anti-inflammatory”… fewer chemicals, less processing.  I literally feel anxiety when I go to the shop – for nearly every container ends up back on the shelf.  Nearly EVERYTHING has artificial sweeteners, colors, preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, partially hydrogenated oils… It’s very frustrating and honestly seems like a conspiracy to kill us all.   I have got to build a repertoire of healthy dishes to prepare for my family…a daunting task for a time-crunched, working, single-mom.  

My real intent in writing this blog is to share my first experience with acupuncture, so that perhaps someone who has considered it might take the plunge and actually try it.

 

Prior to the visit, I was asked to complete a multi-page questionnaire about my past and current symptoms.  Several of the symptoms on the list had what appeared to be “codes” beside them – such as 7a, 8, etc.  I noticed that several of the things I ticked shared the same code….perhaps interconnected, although one wouldn’t think so.

When I arrived, the therapist took me into a cozy room, where she asked me what my primary concerns were.  She readily referenced things from my history that she remembered reading, which made me feel comforted and confident in her intent to treat. 

I then laid on the table…my head on a pillow and a roll under my knees.  I was clothed with the exception of my shoes, pant legs pushed up and belly exposed from the bra-line to the top of the panties. The insertion itself was virtually painfree.   She “tapped” the needles in, and I could hardly feel them. She explained that they were inserted typically a “thumb’s-width” deep.  She put about 3 in each leg, 3 in each foot, several in my abdomen, 1 in each hand and 1 in my forehead.  The 2 in my hands (the fleshy part b/t the pointer and thumb) ached a bit when she pushed and rotated them, but it wasn’t agonizing by any means.  She then heated the needles with a smokeless stick of mugwort…again…nice, no pain (not hot).   She explained that she typically places an infared light over the patient to add warmth during the treatment, but her light was broken.  I am looking forward to that next time.

After she left me in the room alone and I relaxed (w/ the needles in place) – tears began to pour from my eyes. I cannot tell you why… I wasn’t sad, upset, anything like that.  It just happened. If I had to describe the emotion, I would say I was overwhelmed by relief… Relief that I was where I was supposed to be at that very moment in time. This has happened to me a couple of times in the past with massage. Also, when I closed my eyes I saw lots of color – mostly purples and blues w/ a little green.  Big patches of moving color… much like the visions one would expect from some psychedelic trip. I know this is related to the energy work.  Again, I felt this overwhelming sense of perfection. Perfect timing. Perfect place.
 

The therapist said that I might feel an insatiable urge to close my eyes during the treatment, but I didn’t.  I felt rather relaxed and felt tingling and “chills” intermittently. She sd that I would begin to feel a deep calm, relaxation and sense of well-being later that day and for the next couple of days.  That was Wednesday, and it’s now Friday.  I can’t honestly say that I’ve felt those things… That afternoon I felt very “loopy”…unable to hold my train of thought…and that has persisted.  I am certainly no less impatient with the children, and I have been sleepy the past two afternoons… which used to be a problem for me, but had gotten much better.  Although I do believe that the acupuncture has effected me…perhaps just not in the ways that she described.

I was given a homework assignment to massage my midline from breast to pubis twice daily for 5 minutes.  She encouraged me to try and find the tender spot and massage there…that it would be very powerful.  I definitely have found the tender spots and feel a bit of an aversion to massaging there… It feels too invasion, but I am doing it.  I go back in a week for treatment number 2. 

I remain hopeful that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have prayed that I be led to the people, the information that can help me heal from this condition.   I have confidence that I am on the right path and will continue to ask for clarity, strength and guidance.

~ Waiting ~ September 27, 2009

I tend to have a compulsion to write about this every year.  An overwhelming desire to put this experience in writing…and this year is no different.  Just be thankful I’m using a different platform this year, so as to not bore you to tears.

 

There is a solitary day in every year that I experience AUTUMN.   It is truly one of my favorite moments in time out of the whole 365 days of the year.  I feel it coming, and the anticipation is energizing.

 

I think many people identify with this feeling or experience, but many describe it as melancholy or depressing. I prefer to call it bittersweet.  It taps into a place deep in my soul that is literally impenetrable, and I love that.  Makes me feel alive.

 

It usually happens in the morning.  Just one morning, I walk outside, and it hits me like a heavenly bath…  It’s the LIGHTING, the AIR, the SCENT, the PRESENCE of everything true and passionate and spiritual.

 

The lighting it just DIFFERENT ~ it’s very hard to describe, but I know it when it happens and am moved to tears.  Why do I crave such emotion?  Something that is somewhat bitter ~ only because it taps into a place so deep… but sweet ~ that releases such hope, joy and gratitude.  It reminds me of my favorite line in the movie “Steel Magnolias”…

 

“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion…. “

 

It feels just like that.  An overwhelming release. In fact, when this moment hits me, I do cry and laugh at the same time. Although I’m usually laughing at myself FOR crying.  I wish that everyone could experience this even just once in his or her lifetime.  Perhaps we all do, but don’t realize it.  I feel very blessed to be able to appreciate it.

 

Something about this time of year does make me reminiscent.  I think of where I was in life during that very second in years passed. I don’t mean physically where I was…but figuratively.  Am I the same woman I was last year at that moment of truth?  Two years ago?  Who has touched my life in the last year?  It’s like this second is stamped in my soul forever…and everything about my life gets imprinted there as well. An emotional “back up”, if you will.

 

I sat outside for a bit this afternoon and caught glimpses of Autumn.  I was flooded with the memories of this time last year … a very amazing and life-changing time for me.   The way the lighting and the air took me back was nothing short of surreal.  That time imprinted on my soul forever.

 

I wonder what will be imprinted this year?  I suspect it will be related to this past weekend… the experience of meeting some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life.  When that moment hits me… when Autumn wraps her golden arms around me this year… what will be released from that deep place within me and what will be deposited there?  I cannot wait to find out.

The Princess on the Pedestal September 16, 2009

Envision this…a woman ~ the woman of your choice ~ spoiled in her own right ~ sitting atop a beautiful Grecian column.  A man at her feet ~ perhaps offering her flowers, sucking her toes, whatever you like.  The point of the imagery is to illustrate one concept – WORSHIP. I think at some point in every man’s life, he finds a woman and puts her on a pedestal…a Grecian column, if you will.  His Aphrodite.  His perfect speciman of a woman. In his eyes she can do no wrong.  Is he blinded by love or lust or fear of being alone? 

 

Somehow when thinking of this idea ~ I, for some reason, see the woman as undeserving of this “worship”.  The relationship seems one-sided to me.  She seems a spoiled, arrogant brat ~ drinking champagne and snapping her fingers while the man scurries around like a fool. 

 

Then … at some point in time … the Princess inevitably kicks the man square in the teeth … breaking his ego, his heart, his belief in himself.  

 

I think we as woman believe that we want to be that Princess on the Pedestal ~ we want that worship, doting, adoration.  The problem is this ~ there can only be one Princess in each man’s life.  Once he’s been kicked, he will never  worship, dote or adore like that again.   He is forever a changed man.  Perhaps we women do the same thing ~ perhaps we have a Prince on a Pedestal.

 

I think in our maturity we have to realize that this imagery will never work.  For if she (or he) is on a pedestal – and therefore “out of reach” – both literally and figuratively – then perhaps that is why relationships such as these wither and fade.  How can you cultivate  true intimacy when one person is so far “above” the other?  I believe this is what happens emotionally in relationships such as these.  The unattainable flower can’t be kept.  The imbalance inevitably tips to one extreme.

 

So what is a better relationship model?  One of mutual and equal love, respect and adoration.  One where perhaps there is sometimes a slight imbalance, but is forever teetering in and out of balance – a realistic expectation, I believe.  Can we give up the fairy tale wish of princesshood and accept being on the ground, by his side?  Can we accept that we aren’t and never will be the Princess in his life?  Is there something MORE? 

 

I think the answer lies within the man.  If he forever mourns the loss of his Princess and is therefore guarded, then I believe all subsequent women in his life will long for that position….even though it inevitably ended badly.  I think if he realizes that he’d much rather have mutual respect, love and adoration then perhaps the woman will feel satiated with her place in his life.  How do we communicate these desires, thoughts, feelings?  In our actions and words…despite the losses of the past…the willingness to throw all fears aside and be 50% of a 100% equation.  That love and adoration HAS to be there…although now it can be reciprocated at eye level with a full embrace.  Who wouldn’t want THAT?

 

In the famous words of Kimmy (My Best Friend’s Wedding), “He’s got you on a pedestal and me in his arms.”  But where is his HEART ???

A Healing Dream September 7, 2009

I am really blogging about this dream for two reasons.  One, to document the dream for myself…as it was very powerful, and I feel that I can tap back into it by reading about it later on.  Two, in the interest of others knowledgeable about dreams who might read this blog and provide insight as to the meaning of it.

 

I have to precede the dream description by saying that I’ve been in one of the lowest states emotionally that I’ve been in a very long time…just a combination of many things, but greatly induced by a lingering health issue I’m dealing with. Nevertheless, it’s the spiritual/emotional sickness that effects me most of all.  If I’m able to maintain a positive attitude, then all in all, I’m ok. 

 

So, in this dream, I appeared to be visiting someone at work.  It almost seemed like an industrial and/or prison setting.  There were a few people from my past there…my childhood, but I didn’t appear to be interacting with them. I get the feeling that I didn’t want to be recognized, as I kept my back to them.

 

At some point, I move into a room where a lovely Indian-like tapestry was spread on the floor.  There was  a woman sitting on the tapestry…perhaps in her 50s…dark skin, petite and fit, dressed in a skirt, top and bangles.  I sat on the tapestry with her, crossed my legs and closed my eyes. 

 

No words were exchanged between the two of us initially. She didn’t ask for permission to touch me, nor did I ask her to. There was simply some sort of energy exchange between us.  She somehow knew what I needed … my spirit somehow called out to her.  She came to me and touched me on the face and the back.  She was speaking another language…one totally unfamiliar to me.  As she touched me and spoke to me, I felt great waves of emotional release…sadness, letting go, peace, joy.  The most moving moment was when she embraced and held me  from behind. There were many tears.

 

After she finished her healing…I said to her, “When I came here I was so spiritually sick.  I feel so much better now.”  I asked her what kind of energy work she had used on me and she said one word, “METABOLIC”. 

 

I have to pay attention to this, as this word has resonated in my mind since awakening this morning.  I am not entirely sure what it means – I know what I think it means, but I will look into it today and see if perhaps it might provide insight into what it going on physically with my body. 

 

Regardless of the physical findings or lack thereof, I feel so much better this morning.  Refreshed, peaceful, and greatful for this healing dream. Perhaps this was an answer to prayer. Either my own or those of my closest confidantes.

The Psychedelic Angelic Baby July 12, 2009

Greetings.

 

I have truly fallen off the Love Dare wagon this time….but I want to keep writing…so I’m here to report on a dream I had last night/this morning.  I’m afraid this writing won’t be too incredibly eloquent, as the dream wasn’t entirely fluid….or perhaps my memory of it is more detached. 

 

I truly believe that I had this dream due to the recent loss of a friend’s baby.  I am not exactly sure how far along she was in her pregnancy, but she, and even moreso her husband, have been very expressive about their loss on facebook.  Sharing very deep and personal thoughts that have played on my mind for days.  They most recently posted a photograph of the baby’s footprints which have haunted me – for lack of better word.  This miniature body…too tiny and underdeveloped to sustain life…yet so incredibly powerful and loved.  Their loss has reminded me just how incredibly blessed any of us are to give birth to a healthy child.  Through their pain, I believe that others have been moved to appreciate their blessings to a greater degree.

 

So…the dream was a bit science-fictiony…psychedelic…creepy…spiritual and real…all wrapped into one. 

 

The “star” of the dream was an infant boy…a beautiful dark-haired, dark-eyed baby boy that I definitely felt a great deal of affection for.  The only other person in the dream that I knew was my mother.  It’s not clear whether the baby was my child or my mother’s child.  I am inclined to think he was mine, as I was primarily caring for him in the dream.   In the beginning of the dream I just remember interacting with him…snuggling with him…holding him….adoring him.  After changing his diaper, the baby then stands up from laying down and proceeds to walk across the floor to me…talking all the while.  This is the first freakish thing that happened, as the baby was only about two months old.  We were awe-struck…this was NOT normal…even in this dreamworld.  A woman then enters the room and the baby begins to spout off information about this stranger….deep, interpretive information about her….as though the baby had supernatural intuition of some kind.  Again we were awe-struck.  Sometime in the dream I remember laying the baby down and putting lotion on his legs and feet – one my favorite things I did with my own when they were babies – a time of bonding and human touch.  As I was lotioning his feet, I realized that they were tiny….exactly the same size as the feet of my friend’s infant….those of a child too young to sustain life here on earth.  After this, the baby ascended out of the window and into the sky. I felt an overwhelming sensation that the baby was really an angel…both sadness at his leaving, but peace in the knowledge that he was a heavenly being. 

 

Although this dream was a bit freakish, I feel that it has some sort of deep spiritual meaning.  Perhaps it’s only a reflection of my dear friend’s loss…and my internalizing and sharing in her pain.  Perhaps it means something more.

 

Anyone feel compelled to share his or her feelings on the meaning of this dream, please do.  Open to any and all ideas.

The Green Eyed Girl Has Fallen … Off the Wagon June 4, 2009

Ask my mom who the “green-eyed monster” is, and she’ll tell you.  And no, it’s not me….although he strikes me from time to time.  

 

He’s not the perpetrator this time… He didn’t push me off the wagon… Life did !   In true “me” fashion, I officially declared myself a fallen-star from the Love Dare Wagon.  BUT, also in true “me” fashion, I’m hopping right back on.  Forever committed to see things through….even if I am a day late and dollar a short. 

 

I can assure you that I haven’t forgotten what I’ve learned, nor have I stopped putting it into practice.  Living a life of unconditional love is in my mind on a  daily basis.  I just haven’t been doing my “work” (ie reading and writing). I’m inclined to say that perhaps what I’m calling my “work” is in fact only a small part of the task at hand.  “Living” the principles found in the Love Dare – “Living” unconditional love – true unconditional love – is where the real challenge, the real commitment lies. 

 

The topic of  Day 8 – Love is not jealous … was an interesting lesson for me…although I am left with questions…

 

Having grown up in the church, I have heard the well-known passage from 1 Corinthians a hundred times, if I’ve heard it once.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

⁴ Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; ⁵ it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. ⁷ Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

 

I have found myself over the years using this scripture as somewhat of a “checklist” for love.  Asking myself, “Hmmm…if my relationships don’t fulfill all of these “requirements” all the time, then is it really love?” 

 

This lesson in the Love Dare attempts to provide clarity on the topic of the “green eyed monster”… JEALOUSY.

 

According to the Love Dare, there are two forms of jealousy; legitimate and illegitimate.

 

“Legitimate” jealousy is based upon love. 

“Legitimate jealousy happens when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else… It is a longing to have back what is rightfully your’s.”

 

I rather like this definition. Feeling “jealous” over my lover’s affections doesn’t quite equal feeling “jealous” over anything else on earth.  They’re very different emotions.  The text uses the extreme example of an affair as a reason for legitimate jealousy to occur. 

 

My questions are these:  

• What defines “turns his or her heart away” ?  
• What defines being “replaced” ? 
• When does someone “belong” to you?
• When are my partner’s affections “rightfully” mine?  
• What if the “turning away” is simply based on fear or a false perception? 
• Is the jealousy still “legitimate” ? 
• Is all jealousy stemming from love “legitimate”?

 

I think that the answers to these questions are very subjective.  It’s a tough subject.  One could say that all jealousy of a lover’s affections or attention could be considered “justifiable”, but where do insecurities and extremes fit in?  Are we only justified in feeling jealous if we’re married, if our spouse actually completely denies us or replaces us with another? 

 

I believe that our emotions are our radar.  They provide us with feedback regarding what’s going on in our lives.  Perhaps jealousy is an alarm that something isn’t right in our relationship…that our partner is giving his or her attentions to someone of the opposite sex in an inappropriate, excessive or disrespectful way…or perhaps jealousy is an alarm that we have an issue of insecurity that needs to be addressed.  Either scenario could be true.

 

“Illegitimate” jealousy occurs when we are jealous “of” someone. We are moved with envy.

” Examples of  illegitimate jealousy are when we are jealous of eachother’s successes or popularity with friends…. This type of jealousy can lead to resentment… even in a marriage.”

 

We should be eachother’s greatest cheerleaders and celebrate one another. 

 

It’s funny, as the discussion of “legitimate” jealousy in the text was definitely the smaller of the two.  The majority of the lesson focused on “illegitimate” jealousy.  Obviously, the direct opposite is true of this blog.  

 

Although I am pleased to learn that at least some feelings of jealousy are a natural part of loving someone, I feel that I’m left with more questions than answers.

 

The DAY 8 DARE:  Become your partner’s biggest fan. To help set your heart on your partner and his achievements, task yesterday’s list of negative attributes and destroy it.  Then share with your partner how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

 

 

 

Rooms of the Mind May 26, 2009

I am a big, big believer in the power of thought control.  Not necessarily in the true “Secret” sense, but the simplicity of knowing that what thoughts we allow to permeate our minds have an impact on our relationships, our attitudes and our lives.

I recently read the book, “Eat, Pray, Love”, which I could very much relate to.  In the book, the author likens her mind to a harbour, where thoughts are like ships.  She states that she is the Captain of her harbour…the gate-keeper, if you will.  Therefore, she controls what ships are allowed to dock in the harbour of her mind.  When a sneaky, dirty ship of insecurity or self-doubt (and there are 100s of sneaky, dirty ships in our lives) tries to enter the port of her mind, she simply turns them away and says, “Nope, not today, Buddy.  This is my harbour, and you’re not docking here today.”  I just love this imagery.  It’s a metaphorical but somewhat tangible way to deny those negative thoughts that can and will try to consume us at times.

Day 7 of the Love Dare is very much in line with this school of thought.

Deep in the recesses of your mind (or heart) there is a room called the Appreciation Room (AR).  On the walls of this room are written all of the lovely things about your partner.  His wonderful attributes…the things that attracted you to him…the things that make you proud to be his…the things that ultimately made you fall in love.  In the beginning of your relationship you tend to spend lots of time in this room…meditating on all of the reasons you’re thankful to have this person in your life.  You even tend to add more positive things to these walls…fervently documenting the memories being made.  It is in this room that love, appreciation and gratitude for your partner grow.  Unfortunately, as time goes on, you tend to spend less and less time in this room…perhaps even forgetting it exists.

Deep in the recesses of your mind, there is another room called the Depreciation Room.  On the walls of this room are written all of the things about your partner that irritate or bother you…all of the frustrations, hurt feelings, unmet expectations, bad habits, hurtful words…  The more time you spend in this room, dwelling on these negative things, the less you care for your spouse.  It is here that you conjure up the words for the next argument. You perhaps even begin to question your relationship.  It is here that you fall out of love.  Marriages die and divorces are plotted in this room.

I was expecting the Love Dare to tell me to shut the door on the Depreciation Room…to forget it exists, but that is not the case.  It doesn’t suggest that these negative things aren’t true, that our hurts aren’t at times justified…in fact, the walls of the Depreciation Room help us to know what to work on in our relationships.   The things in both rooms are true…we are all broken, human and imperfect.

The point is this:  Love chooses not to live there. 

We can and should make a conscious decision to stop running to the Depreciation Room everytime we encounter a frustrating event or time in our relationship. 

We can and should make a conscious decision to sit and dwell in the Appreciation Room…meditate on the wonderful things about our partner that attracted us in the first place.  Chances are, if we choose to focus on the positive we’ll find ourselves writing lovely things on those walls again.  Years and years down the road.

We should choose to believe the best…give people the benefit of the doubt…refuse to fill the unknowns with negative assumptions.

The only reason to visit the Depreciation Room is to write COVERED IN LOVE all over the walls…whether our partner “deserves” it or not.

THE Day 7 DARE: Take a few minutes and make a list of the positive things about your partner.  Then make a list of the negative things about your partner.  Put  the lists in a secret place for another day. 

Questions for thought: Which list was easier to make? What did this reveal about your thoughts?

It’s Confession Time Now May 23, 2009

As soon as I read the title for Day 6, “Love is Not Irritable”… I knew I would be taking a good, hard look in the mirror. I was even a bit anxious about reading the lesson.  I feel like once something has been brought to my attention, I then have a responsibility to act upon it.  Ignorance can be bliss.

I can definitely be irritable, moody, whatever you want to call it.  I’m a woman, afterall. In truth, after reading the lesson, I actually felt a little better.  There are basically two primary causes of irritability; stress and selfishness.  I honestly feel that all of my issues fall into the “stress” category and can somehow, someday, someway be remedied.  The selfishness category, to me, seems like more of a gamut of character flaws…which of course are almost impossible to truly change.

Here are some introductory thoughts on irritability and love:

“Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive.”

Being irritable equals, ” to be near the point of a knife”, ie, easily angered.

Minor problems should not equal major reactions.

Rage, violence, extreme sensitivity and crankiness have no place where love rules.

“Be a joy not a jerk.”

I feel like I have a handle on the forgiveness part.  No doubt.  Someone offends me and shows an ounce of consideration, and I’m over it.  It’s the “sensitive” part and “emotional reaction” part that I need to work on. 

According to the text, stress is the major causal factor for one to become irritable.  It drains our energy, weakens our health and causes crankiness. 

There are three primary categories of stress:

1) Relational – defined as arguing, division and bitterness 

I think this definition should be expanded, as I believe even good relationships that don’t involve strife can be a source of stress.  For example, the fact that my partner and I are living on different continents is a great source of stress for me.  I expend a great deal of energy on missing him and worrying about the future.  Possible helps/solutions:  Make life changes so that we are together and pray for calm and assurance that we will be together.

Being a single mother of two children ages 6 & 7 definitely falls into the relational stress category as well.  There is a battle of the wills every day in our home.  Some days it seems that every thing is a struggle.  God help me when the teenage years hit!  I do recognize that my relationships with the children are cyclical in a way.  My stress doesn’t help the rapport and their constant testing of the boundaries doesn’t help.  Sometimes I wonder which comes first?  Possible helps/ solutions: Pray for patience and try to be consistent with discipline.

2) Excessive – overwork, overplay, overspend

I don’t overwork. (haha) I don’t overplay. (unfortunately) I definitely don’t overspend.  Again, perhaps these are just examples of excessives… I worry excessively, procrastinate excessively and spend way too much time on the computer.   Seeing as I am the QUEEN of Procrastination, I would say that this is probably the biggest source of stress in my life.  Perhaps this is a character flaw…and therefore very, very difficult to change.  I cause myself so much misery and stress by putting things off, but does it motivate me to go ahead and DO IT?  Noway.  Possible helps/solutions: Perhaps I should just pray for acceptance that this is the way I am…a worrier and a procrastinator. (See how this feels like a confession!!! GOSH!) The computer is easy enough to fix…Don’t stay on it as much.  Easier said than done. 

3) Deficiencies – not enough rest, nutrition or exercise

I think these are three major sources of stress for most people I know.  We all seem to be lacking in rest, nutrition and exercise.  Possible helps/solutions:  Just DO IT.  Sleep on a schedule, make healthy food choices and exercise regularly.  Again, easier said than done.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  To eliminate stress in our lives we must strive to achieve balance, prioritize and pace ourselves.  We must let love be our guide.  We must pray, delegate and avoid overindulgence. We must strategically build time into our lives to recharge, refocus and add breathing room.

There is a bit of a hopeful message in this lesson… Even small changes can make a big difference.  Less stress = less irritability.

The other side of irritability stems from a deep-seated selfishness.  The text basically breaks people into two categories:

” Some people are like lemons – life squeezes and you get a sour response.”

“Some people are like peaches – when the pressure is on the result is still sweet.”

There are several possible causes for the more venomous, sour individuals:

1) Lust – people who are ungrateful and constantly burn with passion for something they don’t have – this can manifest as irritability

2) Bitterness - people who refuse to work through their negative emotions, namely anger – this suppressed anger and resentment can leak out as irritability

3) Pride – people can act harshly to protect their own ego and reputation

When we embrace unconditional love, powerful things can happen:

• we forgive instead of hold a grudge
• we’re grateful instead of greedy
• we’re content with what we have instead of going into more debt
• we’re happy for others instead of envious
• we prioritize family rather than sacrifice them for work
• love lowers stress
• we respond with patience and encouragement rather than anger and exasperation

Reducing stress and therefore irritability in our lives is a lifelong process. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to proactively address stress.

THE Day 6 DARE:

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your relationship in loving ways instead of with irritation.  Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Mind Your Manners May 13, 2009

Day 5 of The Love Dare is an interesting topic:  Love is not rude.

After reading this lesson, I envisioned this incredibly “prim and proper” household, where everyone acts like a proper  prince or princess. No bodily functions allowed. No swear words. No smacking of the gum. 

Now I have mixed feelings on this topic.  Sure…some of these petty things are the VERY things that can chip away at a relationship.  But who wants to live in a household where you can’t “let your hair down” a little…giggle over the occasional belch at the dinner table??   Those moments, to me, are priceless.

I suppose I should back up and define “rudeness”, as defined in the Love Dare.  Rudeness is “unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around.”  Rude behavior is typically unbecoming, embarrassing and/or irritating.  Now, to me, “rudeness” is a highly subjective thing…and is often tainted by one’s tolerance level of another person.  FOR EXAMPLE…in the beginning of a relationship, perhaps the way she smacks her gum is “cute” and “bearable”…but a couple of years down the road, when the tension levels are high…it could be something that in fact enrages her spouse.  Boy, do we have to walk a thin and daring line with our manners.

Sounds like boot camp to me, but I suppose to make a relationship work, we must be sensitive to the likes and dislikes of our partner.  I think the trick is in finding a partner that views “rudeness” in a similar way.  What’s rude to you, is rude to him and vice versa.

There are basically two reasons for rudeness: ignorance and selfishness.  Ignorance is a lack of training.  We’re selfishly rude when we’re just too self-centered to care.

Now on to the deeper side of this lesson… the way we TREAT eachother… above and beyond superficial manners.

When guided by love,

“…he intentionally behaves in a way that’s more pleasant for his wife to be around…”

“…she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort…”

Love minds its manners.

Envision this scenario…wife snapping out orders to the husband and children…suddenly the doorbell rings and she answers the door with her famous and instantaneous June Cleaver smile and grace.  We are all guilty of this.  Treating strangers on the street (or at our door) better than we treat our loved ones. 

I dare to ask the question… Which one is the “real her” ???

Having been married to an undiagnosed antisocial sociopath (haha)…I was subject to this kind of treatment for years.  Killer silent treatment, verbal bashings, violent outbursts when all the while publically and professionally he projected the image of the utmost  reserved “mannerly” guy you’d ever want to meet.  This is an extreme and nerve-wracking example of how severe the split can be, but it’s an illustration nonetheless.  When we live for love, we’ll want to give our best to our own.

There are three guiding principles for giving our best to our partner.

1)  Guard the Golden Rule: Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated. 

Simple enough.  Ever heard of the book, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” ?  I’m SURE this principle is in there.  (smile)

2) No double standards: Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.

I have lived in this my whole life in one way or another.  We are all guilty. We get comfortable and feel that we can show our “ugly” side or “be ourselves” at home within the context of unconditional love.  Children are professionals at this, and it’s quite a natural thing to do.  When we are in the safety net of our own home, dealing with the person we’ve chosen to make a lifetime committment to, we tend to take that union for granted and treat our partner according to our moods.  As children, it’s understandable…they are testing the boundaries of their parents’ unconditional love. As adults, it’s dispicable.  How arrogant of us to take our committment for granted and assume that we can throw restraint and self-control to the wind when it comes to our partner?  The person we lay our head down beside every night should matter the most. If couples could simply make that shift in their thinking….and practice the emotional self-control with their spouse that they do when in public or at work, many a marriage could be saved.

3) Honor requests: Consider what your partner already asked you to do or not do.  If in doubt, then ask.

I am a huge believer in this. We must be open and honest about our likes and dislikes…otherwise resentment builds over time and little things become dealbreakers. Communicating the request is as important as honoring it.  We must give our partner the chance to make us happy.  This exchange requires mutual trust, comfort and respect.  We must be able to make requests without fear of our partner flying off the handle in defensiveness or passively withdrawing at a perceived criticism, and we must allow them to do the same. We should live by example…be the first to honor our partner’s requests. 

As the Love Dare says, “dare to be delightful”.

THE Day 5 DARE:  Ask your partner to tell you three things that cause him/her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.